The Ache

Most effective leaders are ones who recognize real pain, lead, from within that pain and lead the people out of their own pain. Of course, joy is a wonderful emotion and experience. God created joy, but it is not the starting place. Joy is a result of the outcome. Pain is the beginning. We are born in pain and we live in pain- sometimes a lot of pain. The leader who can tap into our pain and walk through it with us - bearing our burdens like Jesus bears them - is going to be a real leader.

Pain. we want to avoid it, but we shouldn't. We really need to get the pain part right. In the Bible, we see where God appears to have put people in some really hard situations where they had to actually the pain of others- sometimes many others. Look at Moses, Ezekiel ad jeremiah. Jeremiah, in his own expression of life, understood and responded to the misery of the people. He wept. In fact, he wept so much that he became a spectacle and is still known as the weeping prophet. He identified with the pain of the people. Not only did he weep because of their wounds, but he also wept because he saw great pain coming.

Too often well-intentioned leaders are quick to stand up to be a voice for the voiceless rather than being a voice with the voiceless.We assume that because peoples voice arent being heard, they aren't speaking. And the truth often is that people on the margins are weeping, wailing, and crying out from the depths of their souls, but the rest of the world has hands over their ears. Leaders are folks who can help remove the earplugs and the blinders so tat we all can hear and see and feel the pain of others; so that the ache touches us and we cannot help but begin to carry the burdens and wipe the tears away.

Love.

Honestly, it's the only thing i need to feel and hear and see. I'm so not complicated.
This world needs more of it.
I give my parents all the love I got. I try not to hurt them. i don't really get anything back but judgment.
It hurts.
I know everything I'm supposed to do and feel but i'm sorry. i cant.

i have the fricken gift of empathy. what a burden. i hate it. how am i ever supposed to be happy? am i personally supposed to be? i mean you can never fully please a human. honestly, i am easily pleased if someone shows their love for me at least one small time a day. that is literally all it takes. apparently that's really hard for most people to do with anyone. it would be nice for people to actually proactively think of ways to comfort someone too. it really doesnt take that much effort. honestly any effort from the heart can mean the world to someone else.

whatever. im still going into social work no matter how much people suck. i'm still out to see that struggling person gain hope again. i live for that. that's what i live for in life. showing people that there is hope. apparently i miss my own memo most the time but it makes me happy to see other people find it. that glisten their skin gives off. i see it. that spark. i guess i cant help everyone. but at least i can be there for someone. thats what gives me joy in life. seeing other people find it. i wonder if someone thinks that same way for me? beh. im only one small person in the world.

for real though im only one person. i really want to find people who are the same though.
i want to link arms. walk side by side.
blow right through this together.
i want to give classes on what it means to love. and how to do it.
i dont know.
maybe i can once i start taking my own advice.
if only i had a bigger support system.
i do have God.
HEY!
I thought about him. thats good.
ok.
i feel better now.
it reminds me that i am doing good in this world because i have helped people before. at least i did that. im not a failure to humanity i suppose.
ok. off to bed now.
shalom.... i cant wait til the day that happens haha.

Home Life.

I'm going to start blogging about my home life. Maybe it will make me feel better. Well today mom comes up to me and freaks out about Pat. Pat wasn't even mentioned in any conversation this morning. I told her that I was going to see him on Saturday and all of a sudden she flips out and says if you are with him with him you need to go to the doctors. I don't want you having a baby. and I was like okay mom. this subject is very hard for me. I grew up with the idea that sex before marriage was wrong. I know my dad will disown me more than he already does right now if he found out. i dont know what to do.I'm not going to change anything about my relationship. i love Pat and things are going great. I dont know what to do about my parents.

I feel like every single day i get yelled at most of the day. It's almost impossible to go out ever. I constantly feel like a disappointment. I know my father thinks im lazy. to tell you the truth i fuckin hate washing windows. im sorry but can you please give me a different fricken job for once dammit. i dont care that im complaining right now. its a blog. i need to let it out so i dont end up being a complaining disappointment to them too.

i want to move to philly. i want to get a job there. i want to live there with kelly. it makes me happy that i will be closer to Pat. What is so wrong with that? I just want to live. Here i feel like im trapped and cant do anything. i feel like i have to sneak around to say where im going because im too embarassed or ashamed to say where i will be going or hanging out with to my parents. they wouldnt approve of most the things i do anymore. i want to go to church but no one wakes me up anymore. i could wake up on my own but i have no motivation to go. i just feel like im forced to go anymore. everyone is getting married. its so annoying. i dont want to go there bcause i dont have friends. they are all about themselves nowadays and everyone is getting married. where do people like me fit in the picture?

am i failing myself? i really wish this last semester was more challenging to my beliefs and my being like it was the other seven semesters. this one was just tooooo much work. i feel empty. i really do. now im not going back to Messiah to get challenged anymore. I am too smart for my church here. there i said it. i am a pretentious bitch now. im sorry but i am 100% not challenged at my church. i didnt even go to church really in college and was challenged way more. i miss having close theological friends. what am i going to do? well i have to move to philly for one thing. The Simple Way is there. CIrcle of Hope is there. Those are both good places. but the real world is kicking in....

sorry i went on a rant. anyway. i dont know what to do about my parents. i wake up crying, i cry a couple times throughout the day, i pretty much go to bed crying. im sick of crying. im sick of being a disappointment. i feel like a failure.