Home Life.

I'm going to start blogging about my home life. Maybe it will make me feel better. Well today mom comes up to me and freaks out about Pat. Pat wasn't even mentioned in any conversation this morning. I told her that I was going to see him on Saturday and all of a sudden she flips out and says if you are with him with him you need to go to the doctors. I don't want you having a baby. and I was like okay mom. this subject is very hard for me. I grew up with the idea that sex before marriage was wrong. I know my dad will disown me more than he already does right now if he found out. i dont know what to do.I'm not going to change anything about my relationship. i love Pat and things are going great. I dont know what to do about my parents.

I feel like every single day i get yelled at most of the day. It's almost impossible to go out ever. I constantly feel like a disappointment. I know my father thinks im lazy. to tell you the truth i fuckin hate washing windows. im sorry but can you please give me a different fricken job for once dammit. i dont care that im complaining right now. its a blog. i need to let it out so i dont end up being a complaining disappointment to them too.

i want to move to philly. i want to get a job there. i want to live there with kelly. it makes me happy that i will be closer to Pat. What is so wrong with that? I just want to live. Here i feel like im trapped and cant do anything. i feel like i have to sneak around to say where im going because im too embarassed or ashamed to say where i will be going or hanging out with to my parents. they wouldnt approve of most the things i do anymore. i want to go to church but no one wakes me up anymore. i could wake up on my own but i have no motivation to go. i just feel like im forced to go anymore. everyone is getting married. its so annoying. i dont want to go there bcause i dont have friends. they are all about themselves nowadays and everyone is getting married. where do people like me fit in the picture?

am i failing myself? i really wish this last semester was more challenging to my beliefs and my being like it was the other seven semesters. this one was just tooooo much work. i feel empty. i really do. now im not going back to Messiah to get challenged anymore. I am too smart for my church here. there i said it. i am a pretentious bitch now. im sorry but i am 100% not challenged at my church. i didnt even go to church really in college and was challenged way more. i miss having close theological friends. what am i going to do? well i have to move to philly for one thing. The Simple Way is there. CIrcle of Hope is there. Those are both good places. but the real world is kicking in....

sorry i went on a rant. anyway. i dont know what to do about my parents. i wake up crying, i cry a couple times throughout the day, i pretty much go to bed crying. im sick of crying. im sick of being a disappointment. i feel like a failure.