The former love of my life is getting married.
EVERYONE is getting married.
It's just weird. I remember the time I wanted to marry him.
But, then I got depressed. Really depressed. I didn't want to bring him down with me.
So if he ever thinks I hurt him, he's wrong.
Needed to get that out there.
He never did anything bad to me, never hurt me.
I just didn't want to hurt him.
Now he is moved on to make someone else happy as much as he made me.
That's okay though.
Everything has its place and its time.
My time to marry is not right now.
I have things I gotta do.
Places I HAVE to go.
People I have to love.
To be honest you can't love people the same way when you are married, even engaged, as you can when you aren't all spoused up.
My time hasn't come yet.
But if and when it does, it is going to be a glorious marriage.
One that when we hold hands, we are holding others.
Our love will spill over into others lives and people can't help but be happy around us.
We will take part in the shalom-y plan God has for the world.
And we will be lovers, never haters, acknowledging the soul within each body.
I say I can't wait, but the anticipation is fascinating.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dear Lord,
I want to thank you today for showing yourself through wine.
That is the most generous thing a God could ever do.
Believe me Jesus, I will always remember you.
Amen.
That is the most generous thing a God could ever do.
Believe me Jesus, I will always remember you.
Amen.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Hi!
Blessed is this life and I will celebrate being alive.
TOday is a new day. It has finally hit me. FINALLY. I was given life by an ALmighty God. Someone who loves me unconditionally. I was given someone to show me that love here on earth too. How am I worthless? Someone loves me the same I love him. It's so unbelievable to me. SOmeone loves me. for real. someone i truly trust wo't leave me after he gts better. i guess its time for me to start being a better person for him and trusting him and supporting him through everything. this is something real. i am someone who loves and is being loved. what a weird concept.
THank you for not making me feel worthless.
TOday is a new day. It has finally hit me. FINALLY. I was given life by an ALmighty God. Someone who loves me unconditionally. I was given someone to show me that love here on earth too. How am I worthless? Someone loves me the same I love him. It's so unbelievable to me. SOmeone loves me. for real. someone i truly trust wo't leave me after he gts better. i guess its time for me to start being a better person for him and trusting him and supporting him through everything. this is something real. i am someone who loves and is being loved. what a weird concept.
THank you for not making me feel worthless.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Life as I know it.
I keep putting my trust in the garbage.
I need to trust more.
I need to relax more, like a very wise man tells me every day.
I'm pushing people away, scaring people away and making myself too vulnerable.
There is more to me than this.
Why do I let it take control of me?
WHY
i dunno.
All I know is I saw God last night.
There is hope.
I don't care what you think it is I saw, it is the only thing giving me hope right now, and I saw God in the form of a person.
SO you know when Christians give you advice? ALl they say is trust God and everything will be fine. Just pray, God will help. blah blah blah.... Well, do you think that maybe if you are one of those CHristians that believe God works through you, that maybe you should take the time to stop and help them because maybe you are the only way someone will see God that day? Seriously, stop Christianese talking the crap out of my ear. I have been a CHristian my whole life. I know God loves me. I know he cares about me and all the stuff. I just think his Kingdom should be brought down to earth a little more often than it has been at least in my life lately. If you really believe God uses you, try to literally be his hands and his feet. Love someone. Talk to them. Show them that they arent worthless.
Thank you.
I'm just sayin that because I saw God through someone over the phone last night.
He is Catholic and only knows about Catholicism, doesnt ever go to church, didnt even know Methodists were CHristian too and I saw God in him. No, we as humans do not give life, but CHrist through us can. ANd you know what, that hope and love I saw through him, I felt God's arms around me too. I felt at peace because someone decided to take the time to listen to my cry and love me, and cry with me, and BE with me.
I don't know. This is all ramblings. But think about it.
I need to trust more.
I need to relax more, like a very wise man tells me every day.
I'm pushing people away, scaring people away and making myself too vulnerable.
There is more to me than this.
Why do I let it take control of me?
WHY
i dunno.
All I know is I saw God last night.
There is hope.
I don't care what you think it is I saw, it is the only thing giving me hope right now, and I saw God in the form of a person.
SO you know when Christians give you advice? ALl they say is trust God and everything will be fine. Just pray, God will help. blah blah blah.... Well, do you think that maybe if you are one of those CHristians that believe God works through you, that maybe you should take the time to stop and help them because maybe you are the only way someone will see God that day? Seriously, stop Christianese talking the crap out of my ear. I have been a CHristian my whole life. I know God loves me. I know he cares about me and all the stuff. I just think his Kingdom should be brought down to earth a little more often than it has been at least in my life lately. If you really believe God uses you, try to literally be his hands and his feet. Love someone. Talk to them. Show them that they arent worthless.
Thank you.
I'm just sayin that because I saw God through someone over the phone last night.
He is Catholic and only knows about Catholicism, doesnt ever go to church, didnt even know Methodists were CHristian too and I saw God in him. No, we as humans do not give life, but CHrist through us can. ANd you know what, that hope and love I saw through him, I felt God's arms around me too. I felt at peace because someone decided to take the time to listen to my cry and love me, and cry with me, and BE with me.
I don't know. This is all ramblings. But think about it.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Anxiety.
I have it bad.
I had to take valium.
This sucks.
I need help.
I have a mental problem.
Confessions of a so called lover of CHrist who strives to be like him, yet I'm terribly failing.
I had to take valium.
This sucks.
I need help.
I have a mental problem.
Confessions of a so called lover of CHrist who strives to be like him, yet I'm terribly failing.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Being the Beloved.
I started reading this book called Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen. This is an excerpt that really spoke out to me.
You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: "You are no good, you are ugly; you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody - unless you can demonstrate the opposite."
These negative voices are so loud and so persistent that it is easy to believe them. That's the great trap. It is the trap of self-rejection. Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection/ Success, popularity and power can, indeed, present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation of self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self- rejection. I am constantly surprised at how quickly I give into this temptation. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as i am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." Instead of taking a critical look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own or others' limitations, I tend to blame myself - not just for what I did, but for who I am. My dark side says, "I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, or abandoned."
Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us to the "Beloved." Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.
.... Aren't you like me hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feelings of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope: "May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire? But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death.
Well, you and I don't have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before our parents, teaches, spouses, children and friends loved or wounded us. That's the truth in our lives. That's the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That's the truth spoken by the voice that says, "You are my Beloved."
Listening to that voice with great attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: "I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse...yes, even your child...wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one."
You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: "You are no good, you are ugly; you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody - unless you can demonstrate the opposite."
These negative voices are so loud and so persistent that it is easy to believe them. That's the great trap. It is the trap of self-rejection. Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection/ Success, popularity and power can, indeed, present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation of self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self- rejection. I am constantly surprised at how quickly I give into this temptation. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as i am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." Instead of taking a critical look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own or others' limitations, I tend to blame myself - not just for what I did, but for who I am. My dark side says, "I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, or abandoned."
Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us to the "Beloved." Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.
.... Aren't you like me hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feelings of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope: "May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire? But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death.
Well, you and I don't have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before our parents, teaches, spouses, children and friends loved or wounded us. That's the truth in our lives. That's the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That's the truth spoken by the voice that says, "You are my Beloved."
Listening to that voice with great attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: "I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse...yes, even your child...wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one."
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The one i love.
I am in love.
His name is Patrick McPeak.
I did something terrible this weekend. I didn't mean any harm, but it hurt him so bad. I lost some trust from him I'm sure of it. He deserves the best and I'm sick of crying thinking I'm not the best for him because I can be. I need to stop being a lazy ass and show this guy what I'm made of. I love him and am in love with him. I can tell you the truth right now... I have never felt this way about anyone before. He is everything in one package just the way I like it. I hoe he forgives me someday. If not anytime soon i guess i have to work harder on showing him what i got and how amazing i think he is.
His name is Patrick McPeak.
I did something terrible this weekend. I didn't mean any harm, but it hurt him so bad. I lost some trust from him I'm sure of it. He deserves the best and I'm sick of crying thinking I'm not the best for him because I can be. I need to stop being a lazy ass and show this guy what I'm made of. I love him and am in love with him. I can tell you the truth right now... I have never felt this way about anyone before. He is everything in one package just the way I like it. I hoe he forgives me someday. If not anytime soon i guess i have to work harder on showing him what i got and how amazing i think he is.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Ache
Most effective leaders are ones who recognize real pain, lead, from within that pain and lead the people out of their own pain. Of course, joy is a wonderful emotion and experience. God created joy, but it is not the starting place. Joy is a result of the outcome. Pain is the beginning. We are born in pain and we live in pain- sometimes a lot of pain. The leader who can tap into our pain and walk through it with us - bearing our burdens like Jesus bears them - is going to be a real leader.
Pain. we want to avoid it, but we shouldn't. We really need to get the pain part right. In the Bible, we see where God appears to have put people in some really hard situations where they had to actually the pain of others- sometimes many others. Look at Moses, Ezekiel ad jeremiah. Jeremiah, in his own expression of life, understood and responded to the misery of the people. He wept. In fact, he wept so much that he became a spectacle and is still known as the weeping prophet. He identified with the pain of the people. Not only did he weep because of their wounds, but he also wept because he saw great pain coming.
Too often well-intentioned leaders are quick to stand up to be a voice for the voiceless rather than being a voice with the voiceless.We assume that because peoples voice arent being heard, they aren't speaking. And the truth often is that people on the margins are weeping, wailing, and crying out from the depths of their souls, but the rest of the world has hands over their ears. Leaders are folks who can help remove the earplugs and the blinders so tat we all can hear and see and feel the pain of others; so that the ache touches us and we cannot help but begin to carry the burdens and wipe the tears away.
Pain. we want to avoid it, but we shouldn't. We really need to get the pain part right. In the Bible, we see where God appears to have put people in some really hard situations where they had to actually the pain of others- sometimes many others. Look at Moses, Ezekiel ad jeremiah. Jeremiah, in his own expression of life, understood and responded to the misery of the people. He wept. In fact, he wept so much that he became a spectacle and is still known as the weeping prophet. He identified with the pain of the people. Not only did he weep because of their wounds, but he also wept because he saw great pain coming.
Too often well-intentioned leaders are quick to stand up to be a voice for the voiceless rather than being a voice with the voiceless.We assume that because peoples voice arent being heard, they aren't speaking. And the truth often is that people on the margins are weeping, wailing, and crying out from the depths of their souls, but the rest of the world has hands over their ears. Leaders are folks who can help remove the earplugs and the blinders so tat we all can hear and see and feel the pain of others; so that the ache touches us and we cannot help but begin to carry the burdens and wipe the tears away.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Love.
Honestly, it's the only thing i need to feel and hear and see. I'm so not complicated.
This world needs more of it.
I give my parents all the love I got. I try not to hurt them. i don't really get anything back but judgment.
It hurts.
I know everything I'm supposed to do and feel but i'm sorry. i cant.
i have the fricken gift of empathy. what a burden. i hate it. how am i ever supposed to be happy? am i personally supposed to be? i mean you can never fully please a human. honestly, i am easily pleased if someone shows their love for me at least one small time a day. that is literally all it takes. apparently that's really hard for most people to do with anyone. it would be nice for people to actually proactively think of ways to comfort someone too. it really doesnt take that much effort. honestly any effort from the heart can mean the world to someone else.
whatever. im still going into social work no matter how much people suck. i'm still out to see that struggling person gain hope again. i live for that. that's what i live for in life. showing people that there is hope. apparently i miss my own memo most the time but it makes me happy to see other people find it. that glisten their skin gives off. i see it. that spark. i guess i cant help everyone. but at least i can be there for someone. thats what gives me joy in life. seeing other people find it. i wonder if someone thinks that same way for me? beh. im only one small person in the world.
for real though im only one person. i really want to find people who are the same though.
i want to link arms. walk side by side.
blow right through this together.
i want to give classes on what it means to love. and how to do it.
i dont know.
maybe i can once i start taking my own advice.
if only i had a bigger support system.
i do have God.
HEY!
I thought about him. thats good.
ok.
i feel better now.
it reminds me that i am doing good in this world because i have helped people before. at least i did that. im not a failure to humanity i suppose.
ok. off to bed now.
shalom.... i cant wait til the day that happens haha.
This world needs more of it.
I give my parents all the love I got. I try not to hurt them. i don't really get anything back but judgment.
It hurts.
I know everything I'm supposed to do and feel but i'm sorry. i cant.
i have the fricken gift of empathy. what a burden. i hate it. how am i ever supposed to be happy? am i personally supposed to be? i mean you can never fully please a human. honestly, i am easily pleased if someone shows their love for me at least one small time a day. that is literally all it takes. apparently that's really hard for most people to do with anyone. it would be nice for people to actually proactively think of ways to comfort someone too. it really doesnt take that much effort. honestly any effort from the heart can mean the world to someone else.
whatever. im still going into social work no matter how much people suck. i'm still out to see that struggling person gain hope again. i live for that. that's what i live for in life. showing people that there is hope. apparently i miss my own memo most the time but it makes me happy to see other people find it. that glisten their skin gives off. i see it. that spark. i guess i cant help everyone. but at least i can be there for someone. thats what gives me joy in life. seeing other people find it. i wonder if someone thinks that same way for me? beh. im only one small person in the world.
for real though im only one person. i really want to find people who are the same though.
i want to link arms. walk side by side.
blow right through this together.
i want to give classes on what it means to love. and how to do it.
i dont know.
maybe i can once i start taking my own advice.
if only i had a bigger support system.
i do have God.
HEY!
I thought about him. thats good.
ok.
i feel better now.
it reminds me that i am doing good in this world because i have helped people before. at least i did that. im not a failure to humanity i suppose.
ok. off to bed now.
shalom.... i cant wait til the day that happens haha.
Home Life.
I'm going to start blogging about my home life. Maybe it will make me feel better. Well today mom comes up to me and freaks out about Pat. Pat wasn't even mentioned in any conversation this morning. I told her that I was going to see him on Saturday and all of a sudden she flips out and says if you are with him with him you need to go to the doctors. I don't want you having a baby. and I was like okay mom. this subject is very hard for me. I grew up with the idea that sex before marriage was wrong. I know my dad will disown me more than he already does right now if he found out. i dont know what to do.I'm not going to change anything about my relationship. i love Pat and things are going great. I dont know what to do about my parents.
I feel like every single day i get yelled at most of the day. It's almost impossible to go out ever. I constantly feel like a disappointment. I know my father thinks im lazy. to tell you the truth i fuckin hate washing windows. im sorry but can you please give me a different fricken job for once dammit. i dont care that im complaining right now. its a blog. i need to let it out so i dont end up being a complaining disappointment to them too.
i want to move to philly. i want to get a job there. i want to live there with kelly. it makes me happy that i will be closer to Pat. What is so wrong with that? I just want to live. Here i feel like im trapped and cant do anything. i feel like i have to sneak around to say where im going because im too embarassed or ashamed to say where i will be going or hanging out with to my parents. they wouldnt approve of most the things i do anymore. i want to go to church but no one wakes me up anymore. i could wake up on my own but i have no motivation to go. i just feel like im forced to go anymore. everyone is getting married. its so annoying. i dont want to go there bcause i dont have friends. they are all about themselves nowadays and everyone is getting married. where do people like me fit in the picture?
am i failing myself? i really wish this last semester was more challenging to my beliefs and my being like it was the other seven semesters. this one was just tooooo much work. i feel empty. i really do. now im not going back to Messiah to get challenged anymore. I am too smart for my church here. there i said it. i am a pretentious bitch now. im sorry but i am 100% not challenged at my church. i didnt even go to church really in college and was challenged way more. i miss having close theological friends. what am i going to do? well i have to move to philly for one thing. The Simple Way is there. CIrcle of Hope is there. Those are both good places. but the real world is kicking in....
sorry i went on a rant. anyway. i dont know what to do about my parents. i wake up crying, i cry a couple times throughout the day, i pretty much go to bed crying. im sick of crying. im sick of being a disappointment. i feel like a failure.
I feel like every single day i get yelled at most of the day. It's almost impossible to go out ever. I constantly feel like a disappointment. I know my father thinks im lazy. to tell you the truth i fuckin hate washing windows. im sorry but can you please give me a different fricken job for once dammit. i dont care that im complaining right now. its a blog. i need to let it out so i dont end up being a complaining disappointment to them too.
i want to move to philly. i want to get a job there. i want to live there with kelly. it makes me happy that i will be closer to Pat. What is so wrong with that? I just want to live. Here i feel like im trapped and cant do anything. i feel like i have to sneak around to say where im going because im too embarassed or ashamed to say where i will be going or hanging out with to my parents. they wouldnt approve of most the things i do anymore. i want to go to church but no one wakes me up anymore. i could wake up on my own but i have no motivation to go. i just feel like im forced to go anymore. everyone is getting married. its so annoying. i dont want to go there bcause i dont have friends. they are all about themselves nowadays and everyone is getting married. where do people like me fit in the picture?
am i failing myself? i really wish this last semester was more challenging to my beliefs and my being like it was the other seven semesters. this one was just tooooo much work. i feel empty. i really do. now im not going back to Messiah to get challenged anymore. I am too smart for my church here. there i said it. i am a pretentious bitch now. im sorry but i am 100% not challenged at my church. i didnt even go to church really in college and was challenged way more. i miss having close theological friends. what am i going to do? well i have to move to philly for one thing. The Simple Way is there. CIrcle of Hope is there. Those are both good places. but the real world is kicking in....
sorry i went on a rant. anyway. i dont know what to do about my parents. i wake up crying, i cry a couple times throughout the day, i pretty much go to bed crying. im sick of crying. im sick of being a disappointment. i feel like a failure.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Box Cutter - by Derrick Brown
He has shown up to my living room
as a pile of boxes.
You are 19 brown boxes,
stacked correctly, you are a fort
and when examined closely
you have been beaten and tossed around the country
by women in short shorts.
Must i cut you to let the colors out?
I have asked these boxes to come
and crawl under the sheets with me.
Their mouths are taped shut by someone doing business.
I apologize for the business you have endured.
I touch the tan ridges and smell the dead trees
and synthetic glues of packing tape.
I lick the labels until your name and numbers splotch together.
All beautiful boxes are hiding some sort of buried offense.
Hiding deep in the packing peanuts
resting in wads of bubble wrap,
there is something awful.
I can kind of see it through the plastic stuff.
I do not touch it.
This phase now pops in my head:
"You're healed. You're healed, now walk with me."
I wanted to make you my human,
to take off all your clothes
so i could make you more naked.
Shut up and
I'll make you naked.
Shy boxes.
I am as lost as the texts for the origins of evil.
My hands move on you as sleek and aimless as a psalm.
I expect to open you and find the zippers of daylight,
or a pilot's license and a pair of keys.
Nowhere is welcome.
I lay the boxes in the shape of a robot and lay spread eagle across them.
I am with you, boxes.
Your skin beckons mailmen to marvel at your tender paper tigers.
They tear into the night to suck at your packing slips.
Your spirit rides me frantic like a junkie.
I scoop one small box into a backpack
and I head to the Hollywood Bowl.
I had to pay for two.
I spit wine into your seams.
I open you and there is only broken glass, a map and a note"
"All former lovers become blurry lessons.
All jealousy is a jail of lousy reasons.
Lay out the glass. Open the map.
Walk to me. You are healed."
as a pile of boxes.
You are 19 brown boxes,
stacked correctly, you are a fort
and when examined closely
you have been beaten and tossed around the country
by women in short shorts.
Must i cut you to let the colors out?
I have asked these boxes to come
and crawl under the sheets with me.
Their mouths are taped shut by someone doing business.
I apologize for the business you have endured.
I touch the tan ridges and smell the dead trees
and synthetic glues of packing tape.
I lick the labels until your name and numbers splotch together.
All beautiful boxes are hiding some sort of buried offense.
Hiding deep in the packing peanuts
resting in wads of bubble wrap,
there is something awful.
I can kind of see it through the plastic stuff.
I do not touch it.
This phase now pops in my head:
"You're healed. You're healed, now walk with me."
I wanted to make you my human,
to take off all your clothes
so i could make you more naked.
Shut up and
I'll make you naked.
Shy boxes.
I am as lost as the texts for the origins of evil.
My hands move on you as sleek and aimless as a psalm.
I expect to open you and find the zippers of daylight,
or a pilot's license and a pair of keys.
Nowhere is welcome.
I lay the boxes in the shape of a robot and lay spread eagle across them.
I am with you, boxes.
Your skin beckons mailmen to marvel at your tender paper tigers.
They tear into the night to suck at your packing slips.
Your spirit rides me frantic like a junkie.
I scoop one small box into a backpack
and I head to the Hollywood Bowl.
I had to pay for two.
I spit wine into your seams.
I open you and there is only broken glass, a map and a note"
"All former lovers become blurry lessons.
All jealousy is a jail of lousy reasons.
Lay out the glass. Open the map.
Walk to me. You are healed."
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The first day after college graduation.
I woke up this morning to a fuzzy animal sleeping on my face, the smell of bacon, and two very hyper grandparents cleaning my house. Later, Pat came over and met the entire Carlson family:) He fits in already. Then, after sitting here for a while and realizing how great today was, it hit me. THere is no reason to complain about my life. My life is amazing. Good home, good family, good boyfriend. Honestly, what more could i ask for?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Lying in a Hammock at William Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota
Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly
Asleep on the black trunk,
Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.
Down the ravine behind the empty house,
The cowbells follow one another
Into the distances of the afternoon.
To my right,
In a field of sunlight between two pines,
The droppings of last year's horses
Blaze up into golden stones.
I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.
A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.
I have wasted my life.
-- James Wright
Asleep on the black trunk,
Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.
Down the ravine behind the empty house,
The cowbells follow one another
Into the distances of the afternoon.
To my right,
In a field of sunlight between two pines,
The droppings of last year's horses
Blaze up into golden stones.
I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.
A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.
I have wasted my life.
-- James Wright
Thursday, May 13, 2010
White Wine.
I love white wine. It is so good. I drank so much of it yesterday and watched Nightmare on Elm Street and Evil Dead. Those movies are already awesome and even better on Sauvignon. nom nom nom.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Jewelery.
So, since I am almost a college graduate and can now make real money (LAWLZ) I can afford to buy cool jewelery. Jewelry is something I really love. people actually used to define me by the jewelery i wear. Hopefully I can update my collection soon and become cool again :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
My Life is Average.
So I always thought that website was really funny. Honestly, I don't think a lot of those lives are average at all. Every day interests me. I don't know. Maybe I'm boring and weird, but I would rather call it easily entertained. You know what's interesting? Today, all I did was wake up and hand in papers. Sweet sweet victory.
My mind is very out there right now. I have been doing so much thinking lately I really don't think I have any more intelligent things to say or witty blog posts to write for a while so I am just going to write whatever words come to mind to try to track my transition from completely stressed out Amanda to easy going Amanda. I'm excited :)
This Saturday is graduation. I picked up my cap and gown today! Mommom and Pops are coming as well as mom and dad. I think I'm going to miss Messiah, but I wouldn't say I will miss it too much. But anyway, the next day will be awesome because Pat and I are going to smash things and, he doesn't know this yet, but we are also going to make a giant bonfire because that's just what I like to do. Well, okay. I am just stalling from finishing my theology final. SO there is my update from my boring day. It was pretty exciting for me but you weren't there.
k. peace.
My mind is very out there right now. I have been doing so much thinking lately I really don't think I have any more intelligent things to say or witty blog posts to write for a while so I am just going to write whatever words come to mind to try to track my transition from completely stressed out Amanda to easy going Amanda. I'm excited :)
This Saturday is graduation. I picked up my cap and gown today! Mommom and Pops are coming as well as mom and dad. I think I'm going to miss Messiah, but I wouldn't say I will miss it too much. But anyway, the next day will be awesome because Pat and I are going to smash things and, he doesn't know this yet, but we are also going to make a giant bonfire because that's just what I like to do. Well, okay. I am just stalling from finishing my theology final. SO there is my update from my boring day. It was pretty exciting for me but you weren't there.
k. peace.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Poetry.
I started writing poetry again.
Watch out Def Poetry Jam. Watch out Write Bloody. Watch out WORLD.
Watch out Def Poetry Jam. Watch out Write Bloody. Watch out WORLD.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Choices.
I read this article today. I have a heart for so many places. I didn't have the heart to tell the one I love that i got a job offer in Colorado and was debating moving there instead of Philly. But, I know where my heart is. My dream is to move out to Colorado but i have a place for me in Philly. I can't wait.
Giving Up Your Spiritual Journey (and Putting Down Roots)
by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove 04-23-2010
Don lived for years in the Chicago area, working hard and trying to keep up with the fast pace of his profession. Several years ago, he left the city and took a job on a somewhat remote college campus run by Benedictines. While visiting on the campus once, he and I walked the carefully cared-for grounds, talking about our faith. “Since coming here,” Don said, “I’ve given up my spiritual journey.”
I could tell from his smile that he had a point to make, so I asked what he meant. “Well, you know, we Christians talk a lot about our spiritual journeys. We get excited about experiences and go places looking for the next spiritual high. We say God called us here. Then God calls us there. But it’s all so individualistic. It’s all so focused on little ‘lessons’ or ‘insights’ that we’re supposed to take with us to the next place.” Don paused and looked around at some of the old men in long black robes who were walking by us on the campus. “I think I’m learning from these guys that God can change us if we’ll settle down in one place. So I’ve given up my spiritual journey. I’m going to just stay with God here and see how I can grow.”
We cannot ignore the many ways that our culture of hyper-mobility has shaped how we think about our spiritual lives. Thanks to cheap plane tickets and strong economies, we can go more places now than we’ve ever been able to go before. We go to Italy to see where Francis lived and to Ireland to learn about Celtic Christianity. In spite of the obstacles of military occupation, we may even go to Israel and Palestine to walk where Jesus walked. We go to conferences to hear from the latest spiritual gurus and we go to retreat centers to find some solace in our busy lives.
Of course, we find some good in all these places. But picking up fragments of spiritual wisdom can begin to feel like trying to piece together a tree from limbs that we’ve broken off here and there. Even if we gather enough limbs to make a tree, something is still missing. Life just isn’t in the pieces the same way it is in a tree whose roots are fixed in the soil of a particular place.
The practice of stability invites us to give up spiritual journeys for the sake of growing in a life with God. As it turns out, people have been doing this for thousands of years. The forth century desert Father, Abba Anthony, said, “In whatever place you find yourself, do not easily leave it.” For over 1500 years, Benedictines have made stability a vow. For a host of reasons, staying put is becoming something of a movement of its own today. This is good news for those of us who’ve dug wells three feet deep in 10 different places and become frustrated that we haven’t hit water. It’s good news for neighborhoods that have been passed over and used for their cheap labor. And if the scientists are right about historically unprecedented climate change, this is good news for the earth too. It may well be that the most important thing we can do in our time for social justice is to give up our spiritual journeys and put down some roots for life with God and other people.
Giving Up Your Spiritual Journey (and Putting Down Roots)
by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove 04-23-2010
Don lived for years in the Chicago area, working hard and trying to keep up with the fast pace of his profession. Several years ago, he left the city and took a job on a somewhat remote college campus run by Benedictines. While visiting on the campus once, he and I walked the carefully cared-for grounds, talking about our faith. “Since coming here,” Don said, “I’ve given up my spiritual journey.”
I could tell from his smile that he had a point to make, so I asked what he meant. “Well, you know, we Christians talk a lot about our spiritual journeys. We get excited about experiences and go places looking for the next spiritual high. We say God called us here. Then God calls us there. But it’s all so individualistic. It’s all so focused on little ‘lessons’ or ‘insights’ that we’re supposed to take with us to the next place.” Don paused and looked around at some of the old men in long black robes who were walking by us on the campus. “I think I’m learning from these guys that God can change us if we’ll settle down in one place. So I’ve given up my spiritual journey. I’m going to just stay with God here and see how I can grow.”
We cannot ignore the many ways that our culture of hyper-mobility has shaped how we think about our spiritual lives. Thanks to cheap plane tickets and strong economies, we can go more places now than we’ve ever been able to go before. We go to Italy to see where Francis lived and to Ireland to learn about Celtic Christianity. In spite of the obstacles of military occupation, we may even go to Israel and Palestine to walk where Jesus walked. We go to conferences to hear from the latest spiritual gurus and we go to retreat centers to find some solace in our busy lives.
Of course, we find some good in all these places. But picking up fragments of spiritual wisdom can begin to feel like trying to piece together a tree from limbs that we’ve broken off here and there. Even if we gather enough limbs to make a tree, something is still missing. Life just isn’t in the pieces the same way it is in a tree whose roots are fixed in the soil of a particular place.
The practice of stability invites us to give up spiritual journeys for the sake of growing in a life with God. As it turns out, people have been doing this for thousands of years. The forth century desert Father, Abba Anthony, said, “In whatever place you find yourself, do not easily leave it.” For over 1500 years, Benedictines have made stability a vow. For a host of reasons, staying put is becoming something of a movement of its own today. This is good news for those of us who’ve dug wells three feet deep in 10 different places and become frustrated that we haven’t hit water. It’s good news for neighborhoods that have been passed over and used for their cheap labor. And if the scientists are right about historically unprecedented climate change, this is good news for the earth too. It may well be that the most important thing we can do in our time for social justice is to give up our spiritual journeys and put down some roots for life with God and other people.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Jim Wallis' take on Arizona's immigration bill.
I got up at 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning to fly to Phoenix, Arizona, to speak at a press conference and rally at the State Capitol at the invitation of the state’s clergy and other leaders in the immigration reform movement. The harshest enforcement bill in the country against undocumented immigrants just passed the Arizona state House and Senate, and is only awaiting the signature of Governor Janet Brewer to become law.
Senate Bill 1070 would require law enforcement officials in the state of Arizona to investigate someone’s immigration status if there is “reasonable suspicion” that the person might be undocumented. I wonder who that would be, and if anybody who doesn’t have brown skin will be investigated. Those without identification papers, even if they are legal, are subject to arrest; so don’t forget your wallet on your way to work if you are Hispanic in Arizona. You can also be arrested if you are stopped and are simply with people who are undocumented — even if they are your family. Parents or children of “mixed-status families” (made up of legal and undocumented, as many immigrant families are out here) could be arrested if they are found together. You can be arrested if you are “transporting or harboring” undocumented people. Some might consider driving immigrant families to and from church to be Christian ministry — but it will now be illegal in Arizona.
For the first time, all law enforcement officers in the state will be enlisted to hunt down undocumented people, which will clearly distract them from going after truly violent criminals, and will focus them on mostly harmless families whose work supports the economy and who contribute to their communities. And do you think undocumented parents will now go to the police if their daughter is raped or their family becomes a victim of violent crime? Maybe that’s why the state association of police chiefs is against SB 1070.
This proposed law is not only mean-spirited — it will be ineffective and will only serve to further divide communities in Arizona, making everyone more fearful and less safe. This radical new measure, which crosses many moral and legal lines, is a clear demonstration of the fundamental mistake of separating enforcement from comprehensive immigration reform. We all want to live in a nation of laws, and the immigration system in the U.S. is so broken that it is serving no one well. But enforcement without reform of the system is merely cruel. Enforcement without compassion is immoral. Enforcement that breaks up families is unacceptable. And enforcement of this law would force us to violate our Christian conscience, which we simply will not do. It makes it illegal to love your neighbor in Arizona.
Before the rally and press event, I visited some immigrant families who work at Neighborhood Ministries, an impressive community organization affiliated with Sojourners’ friends at the Christian Community Development Association. I met a group of women who were frightened by the raids that have been occurring, in which armed men invade their homes and neighborhoods with guns and helicopters. When the rumors of massive raids spread, many of these people flee both their homes and their workplaces, and head for The Church at The Neighborhood Center as the only place they feel safe and secure. But will police invade the churches if they are suspected of “harboring” undocumented people, because it is the law? Will the nurse practitioner I met at their medical clinic serving only uninsured people be arrested for being “with” the children of families who are here illegally as she treats them?
At the rally, I started with the words of Jesus (which drew cheers from the crowd gathered at the State Capitol), who instructed his disciples to “welcome the stranger,” and said that whatever we do to “the least of these, who are members of my family” we do to him. I think that means that to obey Jesus and his gospel will mean to disobey SB 1070 in Arizona. I looked at the governor’s Executive Tower and promised that many Christians in Arizona won’t comply with this law because the people they will target will be members of our “family” in the body of Christ. And any attack against them is an attack against us, and the One we follow.
Catholic Cardinal Roger Mahony of Los Angeles just called this Arizona measure “the country’s most retrogressive, mean-spirited, and useless immigration law” in the land. On CNN, I defended the Cardinal’s comments, which likened the requirement of people always carrying their “papers” to the most oppressive regimes of Nazism and Communism. I wonder whether the tea party movement that rails against government intrusion will rail against this law, or whether those who resist the forced government registration of their guns will resist the forced government requirement that immigrants must always carry their documentation. Will the true conservatives please stand up here? We are all waiting.
Arizona’s SB 1070 must be named as a social and racial sin, and should be denounced as such by people of faith and conscience across the nation. This is not just about Arizona, but about all of us, and about what kind of country we want to be. It’s time to stand up to this new strategy of “deportation by attrition,” which I heard for the first time today in Arizona. It is a policy of deliberate political cruelty, and it should be remembered that “attrition” is a term of war. Arizona is deciding whether to wage war on the body of Christ. We should say that if you come after one part of the body, you come after all of us.
Senate Bill 1070 would require law enforcement officials in the state of Arizona to investigate someone’s immigration status if there is “reasonable suspicion” that the person might be undocumented. I wonder who that would be, and if anybody who doesn’t have brown skin will be investigated. Those without identification papers, even if they are legal, are subject to arrest; so don’t forget your wallet on your way to work if you are Hispanic in Arizona. You can also be arrested if you are stopped and are simply with people who are undocumented — even if they are your family. Parents or children of “mixed-status families” (made up of legal and undocumented, as many immigrant families are out here) could be arrested if they are found together. You can be arrested if you are “transporting or harboring” undocumented people. Some might consider driving immigrant families to and from church to be Christian ministry — but it will now be illegal in Arizona.
For the first time, all law enforcement officers in the state will be enlisted to hunt down undocumented people, which will clearly distract them from going after truly violent criminals, and will focus them on mostly harmless families whose work supports the economy and who contribute to their communities. And do you think undocumented parents will now go to the police if their daughter is raped or their family becomes a victim of violent crime? Maybe that’s why the state association of police chiefs is against SB 1070.
This proposed law is not only mean-spirited — it will be ineffective and will only serve to further divide communities in Arizona, making everyone more fearful and less safe. This radical new measure, which crosses many moral and legal lines, is a clear demonstration of the fundamental mistake of separating enforcement from comprehensive immigration reform. We all want to live in a nation of laws, and the immigration system in the U.S. is so broken that it is serving no one well. But enforcement without reform of the system is merely cruel. Enforcement without compassion is immoral. Enforcement that breaks up families is unacceptable. And enforcement of this law would force us to violate our Christian conscience, which we simply will not do. It makes it illegal to love your neighbor in Arizona.
Before the rally and press event, I visited some immigrant families who work at Neighborhood Ministries, an impressive community organization affiliated with Sojourners’ friends at the Christian Community Development Association. I met a group of women who were frightened by the raids that have been occurring, in which armed men invade their homes and neighborhoods with guns and helicopters. When the rumors of massive raids spread, many of these people flee both their homes and their workplaces, and head for The Church at The Neighborhood Center as the only place they feel safe and secure. But will police invade the churches if they are suspected of “harboring” undocumented people, because it is the law? Will the nurse practitioner I met at their medical clinic serving only uninsured people be arrested for being “with” the children of families who are here illegally as she treats them?
At the rally, I started with the words of Jesus (which drew cheers from the crowd gathered at the State Capitol), who instructed his disciples to “welcome the stranger,” and said that whatever we do to “the least of these, who are members of my family” we do to him. I think that means that to obey Jesus and his gospel will mean to disobey SB 1070 in Arizona. I looked at the governor’s Executive Tower and promised that many Christians in Arizona won’t comply with this law because the people they will target will be members of our “family” in the body of Christ. And any attack against them is an attack against us, and the One we follow.
Catholic Cardinal Roger Mahony of Los Angeles just called this Arizona measure “the country’s most retrogressive, mean-spirited, and useless immigration law” in the land. On CNN, I defended the Cardinal’s comments, which likened the requirement of people always carrying their “papers” to the most oppressive regimes of Nazism and Communism. I wonder whether the tea party movement that rails against government intrusion will rail against this law, or whether those who resist the forced government registration of their guns will resist the forced government requirement that immigrants must always carry their documentation. Will the true conservatives please stand up here? We are all waiting.
Arizona’s SB 1070 must be named as a social and racial sin, and should be denounced as such by people of faith and conscience across the nation. This is not just about Arizona, but about all of us, and about what kind of country we want to be. It’s time to stand up to this new strategy of “deportation by attrition,” which I heard for the first time today in Arizona. It is a policy of deliberate political cruelty, and it should be remembered that “attrition” is a term of war. Arizona is deciding whether to wage war on the body of Christ. We should say that if you come after one part of the body, you come after all of us.
Monday, April 19, 2010
CARPE DIEM.
Right now, life IS A MESS. one giant crazy mess. will i graduate school? am i smart enough to move on with life? will i be able to afford a house? will i be about to get a job? will i be able to keep a job? will i be able to touch people's lives? will i be able to keep my own life sane? will i be able to keep my values strong? will i be able to help people? will i fall into temptations? will i trust God with my whole heart? will i be able to love? will i be able to let myself be loved?
will i get through this?
i say FUCK IT. Fuck all this future talk.
CARPE DIEM.
Live for the moment. Live for whatcha got.
Seize the day. You have noooooo clue what you are going to do tomorrow or what is even going to happen.
Take it in steps.
Enjoy your moments.
listen to the Bible... Eat, drink, and be merry!
Odes 1.11
Don't ask (it's forbidden to know) what end
the gods will grant to me or you, Leuconoe. Don't play with Babylonian
fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be.
Whether Jupiter has allotted to you many more winters or this final one
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite
— be wise, strain the wine, and scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled
Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next.
will i get through this?
i say FUCK IT. Fuck all this future talk.
CARPE DIEM.
Live for the moment. Live for whatcha got.
Seize the day. You have noooooo clue what you are going to do tomorrow or what is even going to happen.
Take it in steps.
Enjoy your moments.
listen to the Bible... Eat, drink, and be merry!
Odes 1.11
Don't ask (it's forbidden to know) what end
the gods will grant to me or you, Leuconoe. Don't play with Babylonian
fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be.
Whether Jupiter has allotted to you many more winters or this final one
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite
— be wise, strain the wine, and scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled
Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Fishtown.
I can already call that place home:)
Friendly people.
Nommy coffee.
I can feel Jesus there.
He wants me in Philly...
for more than one reason, too.
Friendly people.
Nommy coffee.
I can feel Jesus there.
He wants me in Philly...
for more than one reason, too.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Come Closer
I feel disgusting.
I feel like I look like a pile of shit on a log.
I am disgusting.
I am a pile of shit on a log.
Sometimes I wonder how people can even look at me.
Sometimes I wonder why I let myself go.
Sometimes I wonder why I even care so much.
It would be nice to feel beautiful.
Maybe if I lose weight?
Maybe if I was taller?
Maybe if I didn't look so chunky?
Maybe if I wasn't so chunky?
Why does this matter so much?
Will I ever feel like I am the most beautiful person in the world to someone?
Is that shallow to ask?
I don't know.
I had to be made this way for a reason right?
Why the heck else would I be physically made looking like this piece of garbage?
Is my view distorted?
What the fuck. I just want to feel beautiful.
Every girl deserves to feel it.
But for once, I want to feel special, like I'm the only girl who is the MOST beautiful. Like I am the one who is loved by someone over any other girl.
That is my plea to the pressures of today.
Now here's a poem that should make me feel better....but kind of isn't. oh well.
CLOSER by Anis Mojgani
come closer.
come into this. come closer.
you are quite the beauty.
if no one has ever told you that before know that now.
you are beautiful.
there is joy in how your mouth dances with your teeth.
your mouth is a sign of how sacred your life truly is.
come into this. come closer.
Know that whatever God prays to he asks of it to make something of worth.
He woke from his dreams stripped the soil from the spaces inside himself and HE MADE YOU.
He made you and was happy.
YOU make the Lord happy.
COme into this. COme Closer.
know that something softer than us
but just as holy
planted the pieces of Himself into our feet that we might one day find our way back to Him. you are almost home.
There are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplate.
Gentle sparrows who are aching to sing.
COme aching hearts,
Come soldiers of joy, doorman of truth.
Know that my heart was too big for my body so I let it go.
I have shaved my corners off so I have felt at home only in a ball, bending myself so far backwards at the song of my mother's thought I was returning home, but believe me when I tell you that my soul,
my soul is squeezed into narrow spaces.
Place your hand beneath your head when you sleep tonight
and you may find it there making beauty as we dream,
as we sleep,
as we turn over,
when I turn over in the ground
may the ghosts that I've asked answers of do the turning.
Kneading me to crumbs of light
and in this thing love thing called life.
COme into it.
Come you wooden museums,
you gentle tigers.
Little giants.
I see teacups upside down growing in your smile.
Your hearts, they're like my hands.
SOme days they nothing but tremble.
I am like you.
I too at times am filled with fear.
I am like you.
But like the hallway you must find the strength to walk through it.
Walk through this with me.
Walk through this with me.
Into this church of blood, bone, and muscle that is our bodies, that is our lives. That is ours.
There's a door.
Put your hand on its knob.
Pull it open.
Step Forward.
Head up.
Back straight.
Eyes open and hearts loud.
Walk into this. Walk through this with me.
Walk through this.
I feel like I look like a pile of shit on a log.
I am disgusting.
I am a pile of shit on a log.
Sometimes I wonder how people can even look at me.
Sometimes I wonder why I let myself go.
Sometimes I wonder why I even care so much.
It would be nice to feel beautiful.
Maybe if I lose weight?
Maybe if I was taller?
Maybe if I didn't look so chunky?
Maybe if I wasn't so chunky?
Why does this matter so much?
Will I ever feel like I am the most beautiful person in the world to someone?
Is that shallow to ask?
I don't know.
I had to be made this way for a reason right?
Why the heck else would I be physically made looking like this piece of garbage?
Is my view distorted?
What the fuck. I just want to feel beautiful.
Every girl deserves to feel it.
But for once, I want to feel special, like I'm the only girl who is the MOST beautiful. Like I am the one who is loved by someone over any other girl.
That is my plea to the pressures of today.
Now here's a poem that should make me feel better....but kind of isn't. oh well.
CLOSER by Anis Mojgani
come closer.
come into this. come closer.
you are quite the beauty.
if no one has ever told you that before know that now.
you are beautiful.
there is joy in how your mouth dances with your teeth.
your mouth is a sign of how sacred your life truly is.
come into this. come closer.
Know that whatever God prays to he asks of it to make something of worth.
He woke from his dreams stripped the soil from the spaces inside himself and HE MADE YOU.
He made you and was happy.
YOU make the Lord happy.
COme into this. COme Closer.
know that something softer than us
but just as holy
planted the pieces of Himself into our feet that we might one day find our way back to Him. you are almost home.
There are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplate.
Gentle sparrows who are aching to sing.
COme aching hearts,
Come soldiers of joy, doorman of truth.
Know that my heart was too big for my body so I let it go.
I have shaved my corners off so I have felt at home only in a ball, bending myself so far backwards at the song of my mother's thought I was returning home, but believe me when I tell you that my soul,
my soul is squeezed into narrow spaces.
Place your hand beneath your head when you sleep tonight
and you may find it there making beauty as we dream,
as we sleep,
as we turn over,
when I turn over in the ground
may the ghosts that I've asked answers of do the turning.
Kneading me to crumbs of light
and in this thing love thing called life.
COme into it.
Come you wooden museums,
you gentle tigers.
Little giants.
I see teacups upside down growing in your smile.
Your hearts, they're like my hands.
SOme days they nothing but tremble.
I am like you.
I too at times am filled with fear.
I am like you.
But like the hallway you must find the strength to walk through it.
Walk through this with me.
Walk through this with me.
Into this church of blood, bone, and muscle that is our bodies, that is our lives. That is ours.
There's a door.
Put your hand on its knob.
Pull it open.
Step Forward.
Head up.
Back straight.
Eyes open and hearts loud.
Walk into this. Walk through this with me.
Walk through this.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Worship Explosion
Sometimes I think too hard about being created in God's image.
Especially when it comes to relationships.
Sometimes I wonder if when he's talking to us he's like, "You know what i love most? When you tell me how much you love me.
When you express it in such a way I feel important."
And then I'm like, "Wow, you mean the world to me. I wouldn't trade you for a thousand cute puppies." And then he's like, " You, my dear, are so beautiful and precious to me. You are adored and are so special to the world."
And then i was like, and then he was like, and then i was like...
What if there was something more?
Is this what love is?
Is this what life is about?
But what if there was something more...
What if God was like, "Hey beautiful one. What if we stood shoulder to shoulder? What if we embraced each others strengths, embellished the weaknesses, and spread love like violence?"
"What if we sought out peace with one mind and pressed on toward this hope, this hope that is only found in true, genuine love, the love we will spread to the world together."
"What if every time we saw each other, another person is blessed?"
"What if every time we held hands, that tingly feeling, you know the one, deep down in your stomach that feels like a million, butterflies had babies and are fluttering around like crazy, we transfer that moment to the one's overlooked, to the one's you blow off or are suffering."
Then I spend hours thinking, God has a good point.
Sometimes I get too caught up in this feeling that I don't even understand why I love you (God). I'm blinded by your beauty and grace that I forget there is more than face to face worship. This romance we have, its not solely for us. Romance is more than loving each other forever. It's walking alongside each other and sharing this intimate love we have to those God loves most. Loving each other goes beyond infatuation. IN relationships with a significant other, when we embrace each others differences and love each other through storms, it is a form of worship. When we show others that we have this love we want to share in a way that may end up showing someone love is real, that is worship.
God, this is the relationship I want.
Can you imagine having a love like that?
I just want to confess I have this loss of hope and unbalance in my life at times. Why the hell do I think im so unlovable? It hinders me from trusting others and keeps me from giving the love I know I need to give. I just pray for peace and I pray this becomes the purpose of my life to love you and let that love you show me overflow to the people that you love most. help me love like you love. When the time comes for me to share this shoulder to shoulder love with someone let us spread this love we have for each other like it was a wildfire and this hope we find in this relationship like it can cure a disease.
Shalom.
Especially when it comes to relationships.
Sometimes I wonder if when he's talking to us he's like, "You know what i love most? When you tell me how much you love me.
When you express it in such a way I feel important."
And then I'm like, "Wow, you mean the world to me. I wouldn't trade you for a thousand cute puppies." And then he's like, " You, my dear, are so beautiful and precious to me. You are adored and are so special to the world."
And then i was like, and then he was like, and then i was like...
What if there was something more?
Is this what love is?
Is this what life is about?
But what if there was something more...
What if God was like, "Hey beautiful one. What if we stood shoulder to shoulder? What if we embraced each others strengths, embellished the weaknesses, and spread love like violence?"
"What if we sought out peace with one mind and pressed on toward this hope, this hope that is only found in true, genuine love, the love we will spread to the world together."
"What if every time we saw each other, another person is blessed?"
"What if every time we held hands, that tingly feeling, you know the one, deep down in your stomach that feels like a million, butterflies had babies and are fluttering around like crazy, we transfer that moment to the one's overlooked, to the one's you blow off or are suffering."
Then I spend hours thinking, God has a good point.
Sometimes I get too caught up in this feeling that I don't even understand why I love you (God). I'm blinded by your beauty and grace that I forget there is more than face to face worship. This romance we have, its not solely for us. Romance is more than loving each other forever. It's walking alongside each other and sharing this intimate love we have to those God loves most. Loving each other goes beyond infatuation. IN relationships with a significant other, when we embrace each others differences and love each other through storms, it is a form of worship. When we show others that we have this love we want to share in a way that may end up showing someone love is real, that is worship.
God, this is the relationship I want.
Can you imagine having a love like that?
I just want to confess I have this loss of hope and unbalance in my life at times. Why the hell do I think im so unlovable? It hinders me from trusting others and keeps me from giving the love I know I need to give. I just pray for peace and I pray this becomes the purpose of my life to love you and let that love you show me overflow to the people that you love most. help me love like you love. When the time comes for me to share this shoulder to shoulder love with someone let us spread this love we have for each other like it was a wildfire and this hope we find in this relationship like it can cure a disease.
Shalom.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Take up Your Cross
Henri Nouwen
Your pain is deep, and it won't just go away. it is also uniquely yours, because it is linked to some of your earliest life experiences.
Your call is to bring the pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate your pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.
This is what Jesus means when he askes you to take up your cross. he encourages you to recognize and embrace your unique suffering and to trust that your way of salvation lies therein. Taking up your cross means, first of all, befriending your qounds and letting them reveal to you your own truth.
There is great pain and suffering in the world. But the pain hardest to bear is your own. Once you have taken up that cross, you will be able to see clearly the crosses that others have to bear, and you will be able to reveal to them their own ways to joy, peace, and freedom.
Shalom.
Your pain is deep, and it won't just go away. it is also uniquely yours, because it is linked to some of your earliest life experiences.
Your call is to bring the pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate your pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.
This is what Jesus means when he askes you to take up your cross. he encourages you to recognize and embrace your unique suffering and to trust that your way of salvation lies therein. Taking up your cross means, first of all, befriending your qounds and letting them reveal to you your own truth.
There is great pain and suffering in the world. But the pain hardest to bear is your own. Once you have taken up that cross, you will be able to see clearly the crosses that others have to bear, and you will be able to reveal to them their own ways to joy, peace, and freedom.
Shalom.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Avoid...
...all forms of self-rejection.
You must avoid not only blaming others but also blaming yourself. You are inclined to blame yourself for the difficulties you experience in relationships. But self-blame is not a form of humility. It is a form of self-rejection in which you ignore or deny your own goodness and beauty.
When a friendship does not blossom, when a word is not received, when a gesture of love is not appreciated, do not blame it on yourself. This is both untrue and hurtful. Every time you reject yourself, you idealize others. You want to be with those whom you consider better, stronger, more intelligent, more gifted than yourself. Thus you make yourself emotionally dependent, leading others to feel unable to fulfill your expectations and causing them to withdraw from you. This makes you blame yourself even more, and you enter a dangerous spiral of self-rejection and neediness.
Avoid all forms of self-rejection. Acknowledge your limitations, but claim your unique gifts and thereby live as an equal among equals. That will set you free from your obsessive and possessive needs and enable you to give and receive true affection and friendship.
Shalom.
You must avoid not only blaming others but also blaming yourself. You are inclined to blame yourself for the difficulties you experience in relationships. But self-blame is not a form of humility. It is a form of self-rejection in which you ignore or deny your own goodness and beauty.
When a friendship does not blossom, when a word is not received, when a gesture of love is not appreciated, do not blame it on yourself. This is both untrue and hurtful. Every time you reject yourself, you idealize others. You want to be with those whom you consider better, stronger, more intelligent, more gifted than yourself. Thus you make yourself emotionally dependent, leading others to feel unable to fulfill your expectations and causing them to withdraw from you. This makes you blame yourself even more, and you enter a dangerous spiral of self-rejection and neediness.
Avoid all forms of self-rejection. Acknowledge your limitations, but claim your unique gifts and thereby live as an equal among equals. That will set you free from your obsessive and possessive needs and enable you to give and receive true affection and friendship.
Shalom.
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